Where it Starts

The first chapter of “Walking in This World” prompted me to think about what lights up my imagination – where do I find the rest and safety and comfort to fall into creativity? Where am I allowed to breathe? What calms, releases, opens my soul?

It’s hard to describe how it happens, when you find that place or spot to rest in creatively. It’s like some kind of cosmic force has shifted and suddenly everything is connected and my thoughts are whirring and my body feels light and the world seems so vast and yet small all at the same time.

It’s different for everyone but these are a few of the things or places that help spur on my imagination.

1. The beach – One of my favorite things in the world is to go to the beach on a cool winter day when the air is crisp and the water is blue and I can walk along the shoreline just letting the icy waves numb my toes.

2. Music – I’ve talked ad nauseam about my love of music but there is nothing in this world like a good song to change my mood and open up a day to possibility.

3. Candles – Hee, this is starting to sound like a list of things that get me in the “mood.” But NO! There’s just something about flickering candlelight and dancing shadows along the wall that is so deliciously magical. Light a candle, turn down the lights, and suddenly it’s an entirely new world.

4. Walking – Maybe it’s those crazy endorphins but every time I go for a walk, my mind opens up and suddenly it's just a free-for-all of thoughts. Especially when it's early in the morning and it's just me and God, the crisp air and the sound of my shoes on the pavement.

5. Late night delirium - I've been an insomniac since I was ten so I'm well versed in the "late night loopy" stage. I've heard of actual scientific studies in regards to chemical change in the brain when exhaustion sets in and I believe it 100%. It's been during these times that I've written some of my oddly compelling stuff.

6. Taking a shower - Yeah, it's weird. But I swear I do my best thinking in the shower. Maybe it's the warmth of the water, the symbolism of "cleanliness" - who knows. But it's not completely out of this world for me to be struck by an idea and then run, dripping wet, to my desk to write it down before it's gone.



So that's where it begins. Sometimes. Sometimes I find myself inspired by moments with my family and friends, movie scenes, a story on the news, a piece of art, an alluring scent, a long drive, a pink-hued sunset, the sound of rain pattering on the roof, fresh baked cookies, a lazy Saturday morning... you get the picture. Life happens, creativity happens. Sometimes at the oddest of moments. You just have to be open to it.

This Can Be Joyful

"The sacrifice which causes sorrow to the doer of the sacrifice is no sacrifice. Real sacrament lightens the mind of the doer and gives him a sense of peace and joy. The Buddha gave up the pleasures of life because they had become painful to him." - Ghandi

Every year I attempt to give something up for Lent - chocolate, fast food, soda, etc. This usually results in massive failure (I think there were only two years where I actually made it all 40 days). This year I want to do something different, something other than omitting some kind of food from my diet. Because truthfully, I've been eating really healthy lately, I hardly ever drink soda anymore and I eat something of the "fast food" variety maybe only once every couple of weeks. And chocolate? As I've learned in the past, my attempting to give up chocolate only results in failure and a meltdown of catastrophic proportions in which I have dreams of drowning in a vat of Hershey's syrup. No good.

Instead of giving something up this Lent, I'm going to take something on. After all, this is my year of change and trying new things. I'd like to add more to my life, not take things away.

Lately, I've been experiencing some kind of creative surge. So why not take advantage of that? Why not harness some of that creativity and actually write it down? Put it on the page? My problem is that I work for eight hours a day and when I come home all I want to do is plop down in front of the television and be mindlessly entertained by fictional characters (not of my making). Sitting down to my computer and actually attempting to form my thoughts into coherent sentences takes effort. And yes, I am a lazy human being.

The creativity is there, I just need to figure out a way of harnessing it. But how?

A couple years ago I worked though a book called "The Artists Way" by Julia Cameron. Essentially, it's a workbook that inspires creative thinking to break through writer's block. It's actually pretty helpful and provides a different way of viewing the creative process. Soon after I finished "The Artist's Way" I picked up the second book, "Walking in the World," a continuation of the process. However, I never actually even opened it. Such is life.

But lately I've found myself thinking about that book again. One of the steps of The Artists Way is called "Morning Pages" - three daily journal pages of stream of conscience writing. This can be tough. Sometimes I would find myself jotting things down like, "just keep writing dammit." As annoying as they were though, they were helpful in clearing my mind for the day ahead. This could be good for me right now.

So this is what I'm taking on. Here, at the start of Lent, I will finally open "Walking in this World" and step back into my creative life. It's not a task, it's not something I going to dread and hate. Hopefully, as I move through the coming weeks, it it something that will fill me with a "sense of peace and joy."

Things I'm Loving

In the spirit of love and happiness and thankfulness, here is a list of things I'm loving right now...

1. Community on NBC
Without a doubt, LOST and The Office remain my favorite shows on television. However, this little show has captivated me over the past few months and has provided some of my biggest out-loud television laughs. There's an almost Arrested Development-like quirkiness to it that I find endearing. I started watching because of Joel McHale (who is the adorable snarky ex-lawyer Jeff) but the show is stolen by the likes of Danny Pudi as a film student/avid pop culture aficionado. I knew from the moment in the Pilot when he started quoting Judd Nelson's famous "What about you?!" line from The Breakfast Club, that I would love his character. I'm also a sucker for a little bit of sentamentality mixed into my comedy and there's plenty of that in this show, such as when the whole gang comes to Jeff's rescue as he's about to be beaten up by a bully (Anthony Michael Hall as a beefed up gym rat) and a bunch of shirtless goons. Sweet and knee-slappingly hilarious.

2. Ack Attack Recaps
As mentioned previously, LOST is one of my favorite shows on television. I'm eagerly soaking in every moment of this final season and hoping anxiously for a few answered questions. How old IS Richard. I need to know!

In the meantime however, there are the screencap recaps that you can find at the link above. These aren't traditional recaps detailing every moment but rather a sarcastic/humorous/biting look at some of the best (and worst) moments. The writer has a deep seated hatred for Jack (and his crying) and Kate that I don't necessary share but nevertheless find amusing. I basically almost pee myself laughing everytime a new recap is posted. Oh, and watch out for the scattered pop cultural refrences - everything from Saved by the Bell to The Office to Harry Potter to Mallrats to Battlestar Galactica and on and on and on...

3. Leggings
Here's the deal: I pretty much thought these were gone. Leggings? Baggy, off-the-shoulder tee-shirts? That was SO elementary school. I thought once we entered the nineties we were past that particular fashion trend.

But no. Here we are in 2010 and BOOM! Leggings are everywhere. Wear them with a long baggy shirt or a dress or a shirt and a blouse. Add some heels or cute flats. Voila! YOU are fashion forward.

At first, I was horrified. What next? Teased bangs? Swatch watches? Sweatbands? Would we keep regressing in fashion trends? Are men going to start wearing leisure suits again? Will the teenagers be wearing poodle skirts? Saddles shoes? Petticoats? Where does it end???!

In the midst of my fashion freak-out though I did find myself wandering into a fitting room with a pair of leggings drapped over my arm... you know, just to see...

And oh yeah, these things are comfortable! I forgot.

So, I take it all back. The retro-eighties style can stay. However, if hammer pants try to come back into style, I WILL stage a fashion mutiny.

4. Boxer by The National

My itunes addiction is on the verge of being destructive. Especially where my bank account is concerned. Nevertheless, I find myself not caring when it comes to finding a really good album by a new favorite artist. One of those CD's that's slipped into the car stereo and isn't ejected for a good two or three months, one of those little jems that fits every moment, that you can feel down to your toes as it steals it's way into your soul.

This album was released a couple of years ago but it's my new discovery. I can't stop listening. I love the voice of the lead singer, I love the epic feel of some of the songs like "Fake Empire" and I love lyrics like, "surprise, surprise they wouldn't wannna watch/another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults." Gah. Perfection.

5. Yoplait Light Yogurt

So lately I've like totally been eating a lot of Boston Cream Pie and Raspberry Cheesecake and Apple Turnovers and Red Velvet Cake... and I'm losing weight! Isn't that amazing?!

Okay, so I have to give the commercials some credit. Because it's true. This yogurt is GOOD. The White Chocolate Raspberry yogurt is almost on the verge of being sinful. And as someone with a serious sweet tooth, these yogurts are kind of my salvation.

So thank you Yoplait.

Oh! And the new flavor, Blueberry Pie? Really truly tastes like they stuck a slice of blueberry pie in a blender and then sealed it in a cup. How do they do it? So good.

Happy Valentines Day!

So, I could sit here crying into my keyboard because it's Annual Singles Awareness Day and blah-de-blah, once again I'm spending it alone... however, I'm getting a little tired of being bitter. I feel like this huge portion of my life has been spent moaning over the things I DON'T have and the way my life ISN'T and how everything could be better. When in all truth, I have a pretty good life. I spend the majority of my time being happy. I have a job and a roof over my head and food in the cupboard and friends that make me laugh and a family that never ceases to amaze me - so what's there to cry about?

Sure, there are things that I'd like to change, but instead of complaining, how about I get up and do something? I could sit here and curl up in a ball today because I don't have a boyfriend to bring me flowers and chocolates or I can be thankful for all that I do have and I can just enjoy all the sunshine and love in my life.

There are people in this world that I love, people in this world that love me and I can rest in the comfort of this knowledge. For now, that's enough.

Midnight Nonsense

I'm not really sure what happens late at night when I'm really truly exhausted but can't sleep and just feel the urge to get on the computer and type, type, type... rambling, nonsensical giberish. It’s like my need for sleep has shut down the part of my brain that separates the sane from the crazy. The perpetual "acid trip" thoughts take over and I find myself writing things like "life is this yellow beam of sun you can taste on your tongue every time you laugh.” Seriously? What IS that?

It’s like word vomit... or worse than that. My mind picks out four pretty words and arranges them in a sentence and says, “Oooh, that sounds pretttyyyyy. Write that down. You’re a genius. The next e.e. cummings." And I actually write it down! My fingers listen to the crazy in my brain and then the words are there scrolling across the page in Word and then I SAVE it!

Once I wake up in the morning, refreshed - the correct walls and barriers and blockades re-enforced in my brain - I re-read my "genius" works.

Yikes. Scary.

"I am nothing and everything and my skin is screaming and gasping for air." - WHAT. IS. THAT? When did I turn into an emo weirdo?

So hear this all my friends: My greatest wish is that no one ever, and I mean NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER reads my journal of late night ramblings. If, God in heaven forbid, I were to die unexpectedly, you are instructed to BURN said journals. Torch the suckers. Destroy my computer. This shit cannot get out. Thank you.

Speechless

Wow. I sort of suck at updating this blog. But maybe I have reasons. Maybe I just have nothing to say right now. Maybe there are no stories to tell or revelations to impart of writings to share. And maybe, sadly enough, this is all true.

Here's the problem. My current life situation doesn't exactly afford me a lot of opportunity to interact with other people. I'm alone a lot. A lot. So it's tough to have stories to tell when I'm the only one around. Oh hey! Yesterday I watched my cat try to drink water out of the faucet for five minutes. Seriously? Riveting stuff.

I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party or anything. Just stating the facts. I really just don't have a lot to say right now and it worries me. It worries me because my entire life I've been this painfully shy person and I've always had a hard time socially. In the past few years though I've grown up a lot and I've started to break through that quiet shell. Life has changed recently though and once again I'm stuck in this situation where I'm sort of forced to always be in that shell. And I'm scared because I don't want to revert back to where I was five or six years ago. That would be some kind of unproductive de-evolution.

So that's where I am... What am I going to do about it? Who knows? Something before I stop brushing my hair and become the crazy cat lady in the neighborhood.

Oh help me.

In parting, a picture of my kitten...