Dear 2009...

I will not miss you.

Not one single, tiny, itty, bitty bit.

If 2008 was a year for change for me then 2009 was a year for... lessons. Lessons learned.

They were hard lessons but I learned them nonetheless.

I've learned how awful it feels to have your worst paranoia's and fears come true. I've learned that hearts can be broken even when it's not an "in love" kind of love. I've learned that I can be angry enough at someone that just the thought of them makes me break out in hives. I've learned that there are always strings attached. I've learned that sometimes you have to purge something from your life before you realize how poisonous it really is and I've learned that it IS okay to be alone.

No, I will not miss this year, I will not miss the crapfest of emotions that I went through while learning these lessons.

But I do have to say this: Amidst the heartache and change and betrayal and endless worrying, there has been a silver lining, a more hopeful lesson, something I hope to hold on to as the real take away from this year. While certain people were dashing my beliefs and destroying my trust, a few others were showing me what true friendship really looks like.

It's frantic 2AM text messages and midnight rescue missions and showing up with trucks to pack and move an entire life in under four hours. It's providing a place of escape and a shoulder to cry on. It's trips to the beach and Disneyland and Barnes and Noble and The Cheesecake Factory. It's the sharing of dreams and fears. It's planning and hoping and dancing and snuggling. It's laughter, oh my God, so much laughter - belly aching, rolling on the floor, crying, kind of laughing.

I've been so lucky during this year to have friends who have come through in a big way for me, have shown me the kind of person, the kind of friend, the kind of woman I really want to be. So to the amazing people in my life, thank you. Thank you for restoring in me, a little bit of faith.

2009, you will not be missed. I'm onto bigger and better things. But I have a feeling, that when I look back I will remember 2009 as a defining year, a shaping year. Those heartaches and pains have only made me stronger and I step into this new year with all those lessons, strengthened friendships and a steady resolve.

Watch out.

My Decade in Music

These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singin'
- Weezer

I've often found myself wishing that "real life" came with a soundtrack. In television and movies, the big moments are almost always accompanied by the perfect background song. Why can't life be like that? Why can't a stirring pop/alternative song start playing while I am coming to a life changing decision? Or falling in love? Or breaking up? Or hanging out with friends?

Well, despite the fact that there is no omnipresent speaker piping in music to the moments of my life, some of those moments are still made through music. Some music will always take me back to those moments. And at the end of this decade I find myself reflecting on the songs that have made the moments of my life over the past ten years. So, to the songs that annoyed me, made me smile, changed my life or played on endless loops in the car - this is the soundtrack of my decade

1. I Hope You Dance – Leeann Womack
I first heard this song in 2000 during a summer youth group trip. It made me cry then for all the friends that would be leaving for college in the coming months and the lyrics remained etched in my mind over the next few years. My senior quote was “If you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.” The song doesn't make me cry anymore but the message still remains one that I try to remember.

2. Drive – Incubus
Incubus was at the height of popularity during my senior year of high school and this was voted as our class song. I never thought much of it but as I was leaving campus for the last time after grad night this song came on the radio and I cried the entire way home. Class of 2001.

3. Breathing – Lifehouse
There are moments in my life that I will remember forever. This song was playing during one of those moments during a summer water-ski trip before I started college. My friend Matt was there and it was one of the last trips we would go on together before his death the following April. I will never forget him or the way he touched my heart.

4. Like a Prayer – Madonna
Many things can be said about my freshman year roommate but we did have a lot of fun together. One of my favorite memories is of her dancing around the room, blasting this song as loud as possible and pissing off the R.A.

5. Swing, Swing – All American Rejects
I worked at Jamba Juice for three years during college. It was mostly an obnoxious job but it also helped me buy my first car so I can’t complain too much. During the summer of 2003 this song was gaining popularity and whenever my boss wasn’t around we would play All American Rejects over the sound system. I still can’t hear this song without being reminded of the recipe for a Razzmatazz.

6. Hey Ya – Outkast
I’m pretty sure this song was the most overly played song during my junior year of college.
And yes, I do have to admit to occasionally shaking it “like a Polaroid picture.”

7. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
Sometime during my junior year I discovered the awesomeness of Lloyd Dobler and Say Anything. It was also the year I discovered the friendships that would change my life. Girls of 702 forever!

8. I Don’t Want to Be – Gavin DeGraw
Yes, I watched One Tree Hill. But this was way back at the beginning when it was still kind of cool and the plot lines weren’t COMPLETELY ridiculous. More importantly than the actual show though, is the theme song, which introduced me to my favorite artist, Mr. Gavin DeGraw. He opened a Maroon 5 concert at the House of Blues and from the moment he stepped on stage, I was hooked. I have now seen him in concert six times and I can say in all honesty that he is one of the most electrifying performers I have ever seen in concert. Beautiful.

9. Particle Man – They Might Be Giants
How or why we started listening to this song, I have no idea, but my roommates and I listened and laughed to this song a lot my senior year. Whenever it pops up on my ipod shuffle I am instantly transported back to that year and the wackiness that ensued whenever the four of us girls were together.

10. New Slang – The Shins
Well, Natalie Portman was right. This song changed my life… Or maybe not. But this song and the entire “Garden State” Soundtrack changed the way I listened to and felt about music. It opened up this new world of indie music, with it’s nonsensical lyrics and odd hooks and rhythms. When I’m listening to this song through my headphones, the world just looks and feels different.

11. Transatlanticism – Death Cab for Cutie
I admit it, I may have been introduced to this band by the adorkable Seth Cohen, but they’ve since catapulted to the top of my “favorite bands” list all on their own. Ben Gibbard is an incredible lyricist. This song? There really are no words. Have you ever heard something and thought “wow, I wish I had written that”? Well, this is that song for me. Like “New Slang” this song, doesn’t always make complete sense but it doesn’t matter because it makes me feel something. And that’s what music’s supposed to do, right?

12. Black Horse and a Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall
Wikipedia tells me that this song came out in 2005. Well, since 2005 it has remained my LEAST favorite song of all time. The opening “Whoo-hoo” still creats a visceral reaction under my skin that causes me to shudder. I. Can. Not. Stand. It. Why? I’m not completely sure. Maybe it was the constant overplay. But every time at it came on the radio at work I found myself in a sudden foul mood… it did however, give my co-workers something to laugh about and taunt me with. Fun for them.

13. Something Pretty – Patrick Park
My grandparents moved from their home in 2005 up to a retirement community in Oregon. In doing so they had to sell the house that my dad grew up in, a house that I had known my entire life. To me, it was more than just a house; it was a home, it was memories, it was family and laughter and peace. It broke my heart to have to say goodbye. I will never forget this song playing in the car as I drove away from the house for the last time.

14. Sing - Travis
I like to think that my life as it is now, really started in 2006. A lot of things changed that year and set in motion the events that would change me over the next three years. It is also marked by being the year that I discovered The Office. It sounds stupid that a television show affected me so much but I had just moved back in with my parents, I was otherwise lost and confused and something about the show provided me a lot of comfort. I found myself completely enthralled with the Jim and Pam relationship and this song (the song they once listened to on his ipod) reminds me a lot of those times and feelings.

15. Snow – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Several summers in a row my dad's side of the family had a reunion up at a ranch in Oregon. It was a beautiful mountainous piece of property away from the “everything” of a busy life. We spent our days lounging in and around the pond and our nights watching the magnificent show of shooting stars and constellations in the sky. This song takes me back to those summer days, riding in the back of a truck with my cousins, sunburned and windchapped and completely content.

16. The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
It’s a ridiculous song that was popular when I was in high school but it will forever remind me of my sisters. It's weird, I know, but the three of us listened to this song a lot on a road trip we took up to our cousin’s wedding. I’m only slightly embarrassed to say that I know almost all the lyrics.

17. Your Hand in Mine – Explosions in the Sky
I suddenly realize how many of these songs came from television shows. This one is the theme song to the incredible Friday Night Lights. I fell in love with the music after watching the show and this song, as well as many others by this band, became my go-to writing music.

18. I Hear the Bells – Mike Doughty
Another song from a television show: Veronica Mars. I really just love this song and according to itunes it is one of my most played songs on my playlist.

19. Love and Memories – O.A.R.
I’ve started working out a lot more over the past few years and this is one of my favorite songs to run to. There is nothing more therapeutic than my running shoes against the pavement, the sun setting in the distance and a really good song streaming through my earbuds.

20. New Hampshire – Matt Pond PA
In 2006 I participated for the first time in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). The goal is to write a novel, or 50,000 words, in the confines of 30 days. I was successful that year, somehow churning out 50,000 words of a story that, truthfully, I don’t even remember. But what I do remember is the soundtrack that existed in my head for that story. This song was on that mental soundtrack and has somehow ended up on the soundtrack of every other piece of fiction I’ve ever written. There’s something just so fitting about it. I find myself constantly intrigued by the line, “what you had in your hand was so much more than the gold I let go to grab.”

21. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
I love the 80’s and there is something so perfectly 80’s about this song. It’s the perfect kind of song to play while driving along the coast with the windows down. One of the best friends I’ve made over the past few years has made it her life goal to see The Cure in concert and I cannot hear any of their songs without thinking of her. She’s changed me for the better and I don’t know what I would do without her.

22. Don’t Stop Believin – Journey
This song is not here because of The Sopranos or even because of Glee. It is here because 1.) it is just an awesome song and 2.) for a long time it was our go-to song to blast on the jukebox whenever we were at our local bar. And when I say “we” I’m referring to a group of people who were briefly vital to my life. These people, for better or for worse, changed me. One guy in particular (it's always about a guy, right?), someone I will never forget, and yet never want to see or know again, altered my life in ways I’m not even sure I comprehend yet. I both love and hate this person and I probably always will. Whenever I hear the opening chords of this song playing in a bar somewhere, I know a part of me will always think of him.

23. World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
I fall into music when I’m sad or lonely or moping. I have a playlist in itunes titled, “Wallowing.” It is filled with some of the most depressing songs of all time, including this song. There’s comfort in that much depression and emo whining. Maybe it’s the knowledge that someone out there, somewhere, has just as much (if not much more) to cry about than I do. Whatever it is, this song has helped me out of a many a serious wallowing funks.

24. The Bleeding Heart Show – The New Pornographers
I just really f*****g love this song. The coda that starts at 2:08 rocks my world.

25. Open Your Eyes – Snow Patrol
"I want so much to open your eyes, 'Cause I need you to look into mine." And so we’ve come to my favorite song of the decade. I can't say for sure why it is that I love this song so much, why is makes me feel so much. From 3:55 on, there is something so epic about the cacophonous harmony of guitar and drums. This song was absolutely amazing live in concert - I walked away saying that it was something akin to a religious experience. Goosebumps.

I Believe

It is 4:30 in the early early morning on December 25th, 1990.

The house is darkened, silent and still - save for the quiet, almost imperceptible shuffle of little feet along the carpet, the occasional giggle and “shushhhhhh.”

Three little faces materialize around the corner of the hallway and peer – with delicious anticipation – into the living room. There is a gasp and a clapping of hands at the sight which befalls them.

The Christmas tree, standing so tall and serene in front of the large bay window, is surrounded by presents, an impossible number of presents. The stockings hung over the chimney are full to the brim with goodies and nearby on the table there is a half-empty glass of milk and a plate of scattered cookie crumbs.

The little girls run happily back to their beds, shaking with excitement for the hour when they can finally leap onto their parents’ bed, squealing and shouting with glee –

“Santa came! Santa came!”

The same joyous cry will be heard throughout all parts of the world this morning, just as it has been heard for hundreds of years, just as it will continue to be heard for hundreds of years to come…

That particular Christmas Day was nineteen years ago.

I was seven years old.

In the years since that morning, my sisters and I have grown older, taller and wiser. We have been laden with the burdens of school and friends and work and bills and the endless sea of responsibility that comes from growing up and entering adulthood…

And still, without fail, as the holiday season approaches, as decorations appear in store fronts and the radio waves are filled with Jingle Bells, as Charlie Brown and Rudolph and Frosty make their annual appearances on our television screens – we once again become those little girls, all wide-eyed and filled with eager anticipation as the season swirls around us in this breathtaking cacophony of lights and sounds and tastes…

…pine trees, stockings full of toys, sugar cookies, bells, annoying commercials, a neighborhood street lined with twinkling lights, nativity scenes, twenty-four hours of A Christmas Story on TBS, the comfort of curling up in front of the fireplace under a warm blanket, mistletoe, carols, lying under the Christmas tree, Poinsettias, finding that perfect gift for a loved one, holiday parties, candy canes…

Peace. Love. Joy.

It is as if something in the holiday air, some wonderfully marvelous mixture of peppermint and gingerbread and hot chocolate, wipes away all those years - all those reasons that make it so hard to just believe in magic and Santa Claus and his eight flying reindeer. It is easy again. Uncomplicated. Simple.

Of course the world is filled with magic. It’s waiting to surprise us at every corner. Sneaking up on us and tapping us on the shoulder and prompting us
into joyous bursts of laughter and childlike astonishment.

And of course. Of course there is a Santa Claus.

There always will be. There always has been.

I never ever want to lose the possibilities of this belief, my overwhelming love of Christmas, the excitement that comes at seeing those first signs of the season.

And I hope, I pray, that everyone this season – no matter your beliefs, no matter the holiday which you celebrate, whether you are seven or seventy-six – that you find something to believe in this holiday season, something to once again fill you with innocent wonder.

So, in parting, I have a confession to make.

Promise you won’t laugh?

Okay, here it is – I’m twenty-four years old and I still lie awake on Christmas Eve Night and listen – hope for that distinct sound of sleigh bells up on the rooftop.

And here’s the real crazy part – sometimes I’ll hear something off in the distance, the faint ringing of a bell and my heart will leap and maybe… maybe… maybe…

“Santa came! Santa came!”