Not only does the cross demonstrate God’s willingness to love us at the ultimate personal cost, but Jesus also modeled for us how we can live in that trust – “Into your hands I commit my spirit.” When I can’t figure out what God is doing; when I’ve just messed up to the greatest degree; when I’m lonely and empty the answer is still the same: “Into your hands, I commit my spirit.”
– Wayne Jacobsen, “He Loves Me: Learning to Live in the Father’s Affection
And the fact that I can plan and make lists and schedule to my hearts desire and still not know what tomorrow is going to bring? Pretty much scares the life out of me. I mean, almost literally. It’s enough to make me want to hunker down in my closet, shut the door and put my hands over my hears while singing “la-la-la-la-la I can’t hear you” at the top of my lungs.
This is probably why I also don’t like to drink a lot. I’m not a huge fan of that slow slipping away of inhibition. I like my inhibition fully intact, thank you very much. And for the most part this has largely kept me out of trouble in my life. But. BUT. This is the problem. (And please understand me that I’m not necessarily condoning inebriated drunkenness right now). Fear of the unknown, fear of the future had kept me from experiencing… who knows what?
Luckily, over the past few years I’ve met some people who have helped me realize that not a lot comes from all this worry and stress. It’s just a big ugly cycle of panic attacks and insomnia and medication and more stress. What good does any of that do? Like the great Tom Petty sings, “Most things I worry about never happen anyway.” I can sit and worry about everything that could happen tomorrow and I can hide in the closet to keep that all at bay and yeah, maybe it will get me through until tomorrow night – but what amazing thing did I miss experiencing while I was stuck in that stupid closet?
Whatever happens, happens. What will happen, will happen.
I don’t mean this is a crazy predestination sense – I do believe that we write our own destinies. But whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. What happens tomorrow is what happens tomorrow. We can live it or we can hide from it. We can be active participants in life or we can watch it happen.
Trust me, I know that it’s never easy to let go of that worry. I want to sit and worry over the future and my career and why I haven’t found the right guy and why I never have enough money and why this and why that and why why why. It’s not easy to look heavenward and say, “God, I give this to you.” And then, you know, to actually give it to Him. To let go and say, “Direct me where you will.” Which is crazy because it should be the easiest thing in the world. If someone came to you and said, “give me all your troubles, I will take care of it,” you’d think we’d jump at the opportunity. “Here! Have at it! ”
But we’re human and we’re faulty and we fight everything and we like to have answers, here, right now, assoonashumanlypossible. We're going to home onto that control until it kills us, right?
Matthew 6:25-34 reads "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; about your body, or what you will wear... See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not toil or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry... but first seek his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."
I do find a lot of comfort in these words. God is there, always, ready to take our troubles and our burdens and we just have to fall into him and trust. Trust – that tricky little keyword.
It’s almost unfathomable that at the moment of most excruciating pain and torture, Jesus was able to look toward God and say, “Into your hands, I commit my spirit.” He gave it up. He gave it up to God’s will and planning and good grace. He trusted. I can’t even comprehend that. Throw me a little bit of loneliness and a couple bills to pay and I’m ready to thrash around on the ground screaming “Why God, why?!”
Pathetic? Weak? Human? Yeah, maybe all of the above.
I am trying. I am trying to give up my worries and live in the moment and enjoy the here and now, the blessings I’ve been given. Terrible things happen and plans are broken and hearts are broken and there’s no telling what tomorrow will bring. But I do know this, that when I do give up my troubles to God, when I let Him direct me, when I just let a moment take me – I feel my most at peace, more content than I ever do when I plan and arrange and schedule. A fulfilled plan is nothing compared to a moment that is really truly lived in passion and laughter and relationship with friends and family. So.
In honor of this then, this beautiful Easter Sunday, I will go and live and leave that empty closet behind and prepare for… whatever happens.
Love always and blessings,
Shannon
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