this is what boredom does

I had nothing else to do this weekend so I threw in the first season of Dawson's Creek on Friday and have since been sucked back into the world of Capeside and the never-ending drama of Dawson and Joey and Co. Honestly, I only meant to watch the first couple episodes in some kind of weird "oh look how young they were and look how cheesy this is" nostalgia tour but dammit, I still love this show. Oh of course, it's cheesy and I want to smack Dawson in the face half the time for his "why won't Jen have sex with meeeeeeeeee?" whine-a-thons but on the whole it's actually pretty decent entertainment.

No matter what, this show's always going to mean something to me. I was obsessed with it in high school, the characters and I graduated the same year, the music is cause for instant flashback to my own high school memories and for better or worse, the characters touched me.  Sure, maybe I never had an incarcerated father or a crush on my best friend, I never slept with a teacher or was involved in a schoolmate falling to her death off a pier, but something connected.

And then of course there's Pacey, who is even better than I remember. Sure, he had that whole thing with Ms. Jacobs and it was awkward and a little yucky (Oh MAN I remember how scandalous that was at the time. And now everywhere you look, on every television show featuring a character in high school, SOMEONE'S getting it on with a faculty member) but then he became PACEY WITTER. He helped Andie through her breakdown and bought Joey a wall and built a boat and became a chef and he was tortured and his family sucked and he almost didn't graduate and he was dry and sarcastic and a hundred billion trillion times better than Dawson and... okay, yes, ten years later and I still have a crush.

Anyway, I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane. Maybe I should watch Roswell next. Or Felicity. Or Popular...

Maybe what I'm trying to say is, I miss the WB.

A Lost Farewell

It was almost six years ago when I watched the premiere of a show called Lost about a bunch of plane cash survivors stranded on a deserted island. From the very beginning I was captured by the mystery of a place that was home to polar bears, an unseen "monster" and an underground hatch. I was held in suspense during the fast paced pilot, right down to the famous, "Guys, where are we?"

But most of all, there were the characters. Jack and Kate and Sawyer, Charlie and Claire, Locke, Sayid, Hurley, Sun and Jin, Shannon and Boone, Walt and Michael and a dog named Vincent. Through a series of flashbacks we learn about their lives before the crash, their mistakes and failures and loves and losses. We learn that Kate is a accused convict and Sawyer is a conman and Charlie is a rockstar with a heroin addiction and Hurley is a lotto winner.

And through it all - the Dharma Initiative, polar bear cage sex, the Others, explosions and and a crazy French chick, the whispers, the Oceanic Six, a donkey wheel, time travel, more explosions, another plane crash, infertility issues, a button that needs to be pushed every 108 minutes, the numbers, ghosts, creepy creepy Ethan Rom, the return of the tailies, a mysteries source of light, baby stealing, more explosions, the freighter folk, the manipulations of Benjamin Linus, hydrogen bombs, daddy issues, flash forwards, flash sideways, names on a cave wall, the ultimate battle between dark and light, me screaming "WTF, show?!" at the end of every episode - through ALL that, we always had these characters.

Set to Michael Giacchino's incredibly mesmerizing score (seriously, I can't listen to the Life and Death track without wanting to cry) we've been taken on a journey, and I for one am satisfied with the outcome

Honestly, I still don't know the answer to the "Guys, where are we?" question. I don't know exactly what or where the island is. I don't completely understand The Source and the light and what happens if it goes unprotected. I don't know what the deal was between Widmore and Ben or why Walt was special or why Aaron had to be raised by Claire or why women on the island couldn't have babies or why time travel rules don't apply to Desmond and why why why a million other things. And yet, I don't really care. I'm okay with the unanswered questions. In the end, the only thing that really mattered to me was the characters. It was seeing a character like Jack, the man of science, finally finding faith, finally finding something he could really fix and truly believe in.

Maybe it was sappy and cliche  but I loved seeing Claire and Charlie together with Aaron, and Sun and Jim come to remembrance of their lives and Locke walking and greeting Jack like a friend. (Honestly, I think my favorite moment of enlightenment was between Sawyer and Juliet and mainly because I'd been hoping for it since the first episode of the season. I sort of fell in love with the idea of these two characters being in love and probably because we never see either of them as happy as they are when they are together in Dharma Hippyville). It was lovely to see characters like Boone and Shannon and Libby return and all unite in one cosmically beautiful reunion

I've read a couple of reviews from people who seem to think that this episode was implying that all the events from the past six years on the island were in fact some kind of manifestation of purgatory.  I'm sorry,  but if you think that, then you are wrong and you need to go watch the episode again. As Christian Shephard said, "I'm real. You're real. Everything that's ever happened to you is real." The events of the island happened. The characters that died on the island, died. The characters that eventually left the island -  Kate, Sawyer, Lapidus, Miles, Richard, Claire - moved on and lived their lives, however long after that happened to be. And the sideways world was somehow this place out of time and space, call it purgatory or whatever, where they all ended up to somehow be together in the afterlife. And as they slowly came to enlightenment together, they could finally let go and move on.

So that's how I'm choosing to read it. It's cheesy, it's hokey, it's deeply saturated in feeling and faith and heart and know some people don't like that, but it was enough for me, it left me satisfied.

So thank you so Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse for bringing us six memorable years. Yes, there are questions unanswered but isn't that life? Maybe we're not going to all end up on a mysterious island somewhere in the Pacific with a bunch of attractive strangers with daddy issues, but we all go through tests and challenges and struggles. We all experience pain and we all search for redemption. And through all that, the most important thing, beyond the questions and the search for truths, are the people that we love. The people that struggle and rejoice and cry and laugh and live with us. And really, for the characters that I've gotten to know over the past six years, that's all I needed - a closure, a redemptive ending. And for that, for this show and for six incredible seasons, I am thankful.

I'll miss you.

My Decade in Music

These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singin'
- Weezer

I've often found myself wishing that "real life" came with a soundtrack. In television and movies, the big moments are almost always accompanied by the perfect background song. Why can't life be like that? Why can't a stirring pop/alternative song start playing while I am coming to a life changing decision? Or falling in love? Or breaking up? Or hanging out with friends?

Well, despite the fact that there is no omnipresent speaker piping in music to the moments of my life, some of those moments are still made through music. Some music will always take me back to those moments. And at the end of this decade I find myself reflecting on the songs that have made the moments of my life over the past ten years. So, to the songs that annoyed me, made me smile, changed my life or played on endless loops in the car - this is the soundtrack of my decade

1. I Hope You Dance – Leeann Womack
I first heard this song in 2000 during a summer youth group trip. It made me cry then for all the friends that would be leaving for college in the coming months and the lyrics remained etched in my mind over the next few years. My senior quote was “If you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.” The song doesn't make me cry anymore but the message still remains one that I try to remember.

2. Drive – Incubus
Incubus was at the height of popularity during my senior year of high school and this was voted as our class song. I never thought much of it but as I was leaving campus for the last time after grad night this song came on the radio and I cried the entire way home. Class of 2001.

3. Breathing – Lifehouse
There are moments in my life that I will remember forever. This song was playing during one of those moments during a summer water-ski trip before I started college. My friend Matt was there and it was one of the last trips we would go on together before his death the following April. I will never forget him or the way he touched my heart.

4. Like a Prayer – Madonna
Many things can be said about my freshman year roommate but we did have a lot of fun together. One of my favorite memories is of her dancing around the room, blasting this song as loud as possible and pissing off the R.A.

5. Swing, Swing – All American Rejects
I worked at Jamba Juice for three years during college. It was mostly an obnoxious job but it also helped me buy my first car so I can’t complain too much. During the summer of 2003 this song was gaining popularity and whenever my boss wasn’t around we would play All American Rejects over the sound system. I still can’t hear this song without being reminded of the recipe for a Razzmatazz.

6. Hey Ya – Outkast
I’m pretty sure this song was the most overly played song during my junior year of college.
And yes, I do have to admit to occasionally shaking it “like a Polaroid picture.”

7. In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel
Sometime during my junior year I discovered the awesomeness of Lloyd Dobler and Say Anything. It was also the year I discovered the friendships that would change my life. Girls of 702 forever!

8. I Don’t Want to Be – Gavin DeGraw
Yes, I watched One Tree Hill. But this was way back at the beginning when it was still kind of cool and the plot lines weren’t COMPLETELY ridiculous. More importantly than the actual show though, is the theme song, which introduced me to my favorite artist, Mr. Gavin DeGraw. He opened a Maroon 5 concert at the House of Blues and from the moment he stepped on stage, I was hooked. I have now seen him in concert six times and I can say in all honesty that he is one of the most electrifying performers I have ever seen in concert. Beautiful.

9. Particle Man – They Might Be Giants
How or why we started listening to this song, I have no idea, but my roommates and I listened and laughed to this song a lot my senior year. Whenever it pops up on my ipod shuffle I am instantly transported back to that year and the wackiness that ensued whenever the four of us girls were together.

10. New Slang – The Shins
Well, Natalie Portman was right. This song changed my life… Or maybe not. But this song and the entire “Garden State” Soundtrack changed the way I listened to and felt about music. It opened up this new world of indie music, with it’s nonsensical lyrics and odd hooks and rhythms. When I’m listening to this song through my headphones, the world just looks and feels different.

11. Transatlanticism – Death Cab for Cutie
I admit it, I may have been introduced to this band by the adorkable Seth Cohen, but they’ve since catapulted to the top of my “favorite bands” list all on their own. Ben Gibbard is an incredible lyricist. This song? There really are no words. Have you ever heard something and thought “wow, I wish I had written that”? Well, this is that song for me. Like “New Slang” this song, doesn’t always make complete sense but it doesn’t matter because it makes me feel something. And that’s what music’s supposed to do, right?

12. Black Horse and a Cherry Tree – KT Tunstall
Wikipedia tells me that this song came out in 2005. Well, since 2005 it has remained my LEAST favorite song of all time. The opening “Whoo-hoo” still creats a visceral reaction under my skin that causes me to shudder. I. Can. Not. Stand. It. Why? I’m not completely sure. Maybe it was the constant overplay. But every time at it came on the radio at work I found myself in a sudden foul mood… it did however, give my co-workers something to laugh about and taunt me with. Fun for them.

13. Something Pretty – Patrick Park
My grandparents moved from their home in 2005 up to a retirement community in Oregon. In doing so they had to sell the house that my dad grew up in, a house that I had known my entire life. To me, it was more than just a house; it was a home, it was memories, it was family and laughter and peace. It broke my heart to have to say goodbye. I will never forget this song playing in the car as I drove away from the house for the last time.

14. Sing - Travis
I like to think that my life as it is now, really started in 2006. A lot of things changed that year and set in motion the events that would change me over the next three years. It is also marked by being the year that I discovered The Office. It sounds stupid that a television show affected me so much but I had just moved back in with my parents, I was otherwise lost and confused and something about the show provided me a lot of comfort. I found myself completely enthralled with the Jim and Pam relationship and this song (the song they once listened to on his ipod) reminds me a lot of those times and feelings.

15. Snow – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Several summers in a row my dad's side of the family had a reunion up at a ranch in Oregon. It was a beautiful mountainous piece of property away from the “everything” of a busy life. We spent our days lounging in and around the pond and our nights watching the magnificent show of shooting stars and constellations in the sky. This song takes me back to those summer days, riding in the back of a truck with my cousins, sunburned and windchapped and completely content.

16. The Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
It’s a ridiculous song that was popular when I was in high school but it will forever remind me of my sisters. It's weird, I know, but the three of us listened to this song a lot on a road trip we took up to our cousin’s wedding. I’m only slightly embarrassed to say that I know almost all the lyrics.

17. Your Hand in Mine – Explosions in the Sky
I suddenly realize how many of these songs came from television shows. This one is the theme song to the incredible Friday Night Lights. I fell in love with the music after watching the show and this song, as well as many others by this band, became my go-to writing music.

18. I Hear the Bells – Mike Doughty
Another song from a television show: Veronica Mars. I really just love this song and according to itunes it is one of my most played songs on my playlist.

19. Love and Memories – O.A.R.
I’ve started working out a lot more over the past few years and this is one of my favorite songs to run to. There is nothing more therapeutic than my running shoes against the pavement, the sun setting in the distance and a really good song streaming through my earbuds.

20. New Hampshire – Matt Pond PA
In 2006 I participated for the first time in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). The goal is to write a novel, or 50,000 words, in the confines of 30 days. I was successful that year, somehow churning out 50,000 words of a story that, truthfully, I don’t even remember. But what I do remember is the soundtrack that existed in my head for that story. This song was on that mental soundtrack and has somehow ended up on the soundtrack of every other piece of fiction I’ve ever written. There’s something just so fitting about it. I find myself constantly intrigued by the line, “what you had in your hand was so much more than the gold I let go to grab.”

21. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
I love the 80’s and there is something so perfectly 80’s about this song. It’s the perfect kind of song to play while driving along the coast with the windows down. One of the best friends I’ve made over the past few years has made it her life goal to see The Cure in concert and I cannot hear any of their songs without thinking of her. She’s changed me for the better and I don’t know what I would do without her.

22. Don’t Stop Believin – Journey
This song is not here because of The Sopranos or even because of Glee. It is here because 1.) it is just an awesome song and 2.) for a long time it was our go-to song to blast on the jukebox whenever we were at our local bar. And when I say “we” I’m referring to a group of people who were briefly vital to my life. These people, for better or for worse, changed me. One guy in particular (it's always about a guy, right?), someone I will never forget, and yet never want to see or know again, altered my life in ways I’m not even sure I comprehend yet. I both love and hate this person and I probably always will. Whenever I hear the opening chords of this song playing in a bar somewhere, I know a part of me will always think of him.

23. World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
I fall into music when I’m sad or lonely or moping. I have a playlist in itunes titled, “Wallowing.” It is filled with some of the most depressing songs of all time, including this song. There’s comfort in that much depression and emo whining. Maybe it’s the knowledge that someone out there, somewhere, has just as much (if not much more) to cry about than I do. Whatever it is, this song has helped me out of a many a serious wallowing funks.

24. The Bleeding Heart Show – The New Pornographers
I just really f*****g love this song. The coda that starts at 2:08 rocks my world.

25. Open Your Eyes – Snow Patrol
"I want so much to open your eyes, 'Cause I need you to look into mine." And so we’ve come to my favorite song of the decade. I can't say for sure why it is that I love this song so much, why is makes me feel so much. From 3:55 on, there is something so epic about the cacophonous harmony of guitar and drums. This song was absolutely amazing live in concert - I walked away saying that it was something akin to a religious experience. Goosebumps.